What Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of
by Tempest6
Summary: A Sequel to "As Dawn Turned to Dusk." Spock starts to remember their past relationship and goes to McCoy for help regaining his memories.


Title: What Stuff That Dreams Are Made of  
  
Author: Tempest  
  
Series: TOS  
  
Rating: PG-16 for adult concepts, sorrow, and the knowledge that love conquers all.  
  
Summary: A Sequel to As Dawn Turned to Dusk. Spock slowly remembers their past relationship and goes to McCoy for help regaining his memories.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; Paramount does. I own this story; there is a difference. Any under the age of seventeen stay away. The same goes for anybody offended by the idea that two men could deeply and completely love each other. Archive at your own risk. Flames and feedback welcomed.  
  
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What Stuff That Dreams Are Made of  
  
By Tempest  
  
January 22, 2002  
  
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Khan, that maniac, was holding the Enterprise over the proverbial gorge of eternal peril. One wrong move and they were all dead. Leonard McCoy knew this, and he also knew that the cost would be almost beyond comprehension: the deaths of hundreds, many young men and women, barely older than children. But the threat of death and destruction was not the root of McCoy's anxiety. His problem was that ever since Khan had taken the Reliant into his own possession, Spock had been blocking him through the bond.  
  
He had been so scared when death had become a real possibility. He had not been out in space for so many years that he forgot how to react in the situation of imminent death. He wanted nothing more than to run up to the bridge, wrap his arms around Spock, and bury his head in Spock's neck. But he could not do that, especially not in this situation, especially not with Spock blocking him. But it was his duty, as the CMO and as a doctor, to help in any way he could. So he set aside his personal grievances, slipped on the professional mask that had hid his feelings for so long, and tended to one cadet after another. The wounds, for the most part, were not as grave as expected. Aside from Peter Preston, there had yet to be a casualty. But he could not help but wonder who would be the next to lose his life to the sadistic demon who called himself Khan.  
  
His work, though time consuming, was still monotonous due to the many years he had spent treating wounds of the same and even greater degrees. This monotony left him with long periods of time to attempt to contact Spock through their bond, but every attempt he made was blocked by the Vulcan's superior capabilities. No matter what he tried, Spock continued to keep the bond shut tight, not allowing any opening, no communication, and no reassurance. It was driving him crazy. If they were all going to die, why was Spock not being there for him? Why was Spock trying to keep them separate?  
  
He saw Scotty reach for the intercom, heard him call the bridge. "Captain, the warp drive is blown. And the radiation-" Scotty fell to the floor, weariness and radiation setting in. McCoy rushed over to the body of his fallen friend, and as he reached him, he felt the bond open quickly and then shut once more.  
  
*What in God's name is Spock doing?* He could conceive of no answer. But he felt something deep in his soul, and he knew it meant danger.  
  
He bent over Scotty and started to see if he could at least seal some of the Scotsman's wounds before Khan blew them all to Kingdom Come.  
  
But even with the bond shut tight, their years together made him conscious of when his mate was near. McCoy turned around, and there Spock was, walking towards the radiation chamber. McCoy felt his insides turn. Spock was going to sacrifice himself. McCoy could not let him do that; he loved him too much to let him risk his life. And so, with steps quick with determination, he jumped in front of Spock, intent on keeping him from reaching the chamber.  
  
McCoy was irritated, worried, and frightened. And still, Spock was blocking him. He did not know what to do, so he reverted back to his angry, confused self and lashed out. "Are you out of your Vulcan mind? No human can tolerate the radiation that's in there!"  
  
Spock was plenty ready to play the game. Stoic as ever, he responded, "As you are so fond of observing Doctor, I am not human." And still he kept the bond shut. Why was Spock blocking him? McCoy tried once more to reach out through the bond, but he felt no response. *Doctor,* he thought. *Why is he acting like this?*  
  
With desperation in his voice, McCoy tried once more to keep Spock from entering the chamber. "You're NOT going in there!" he shouted. And in his mind he screamed, //Spock, dear God, talk to me! Please? Why are you doing this?//  
  
The look on Spock's face suddenly changed, as if he had come to a realization. And he said quietly, "Perhaps you are right. What is Mr. Scott's condition?"  
  
McCoy nearly sighed with relief. Spock must have heard his silent pleading. "Well, I don't think that he-" McCoy started as he turned around to look at Scott. It was then that he felt it, the hand on his neck, the pressure. Spock had nerve pinched him; he was still going to go through with it. McCoy wanted to cry, to shout, but he felt himself fall into blackness, the last thought in his mind, *Why?*  
  
His body was gone, but his mind felt the feather light touch, and heard the whispered word, "Remember." The word echoed throughout his soul, and he felt himself become filled, in a way he had never dreamed imaginable.  
  
He felt himself regain consciousness. *Where am I?* he wondered drowsily as he stood and took in his surroundings. *Oh no!* He took in the sight of Spock ripping open the warp core, and he ran to the chamber. He pounded on the chamber, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Spock get out of there!" He wanted to shout a bunch of other things, things only between the two of them, but there were other people around, and Spock couldn't hear him, or chose not to.  
  
Scotty woke up too, and when he saw what Spock was doing, he joined McCoy in his attempt to save the Vulcan before it was too late. But despite the cautionary shouts of the Engineer, and the desperate pleas of his mate, Spock continued to fix the core, ignoring the toll it was taking on his body, and his life.  
  
McCoy watched in silent terror as Spock fell to the ground. He felt a rush of terror strike his heart cold. Khan be damned! He was going to be there for Spock's last minutes of life. He rushed towards the chamber door, intent on being there before Spock breathed his last breath. But Scott held him back. "No Len," he said, voice laden with sorrow and sympathy. "You can't go in there; the whole compartment will flood with radiation if you open the door. I'm sorry."  
  
Tears welled up in McCoy's eyes, as he acknowledged the Scotsman's words by going to the intercom on the chamber. "Spock," he whispered. "It's me, Leonard. I'm here. Please answer me, Spock. Don't leave me behind all alone. Talk to me Spock. Please answer, please." His voice broke, and still Spock made no response, neither physical, verbal, nor through the bond.  
  
Finally, McCoy could think of nothing else to do. He went to the wall intercom and called the Bridge. "Jim! I think you'd better get down here." His voice was pained, and for once he did not care.  
  
He heard Kirk's voice, full of fright and worry, query, "Bones?"  
  
McCoy could not tell the story out loud; he could barely accept the current reality. And precious time was being wasted. He just replied, "Better hurry!" And he cut the channel.  
  
McCoy went back to the radiation chamber that had become Spock's tomb, and whispered into the intercom, "Spock, I...called Jim. He's coming down right now. Just hold out a little bit longer. Please hold on." But Spock did not respond.  
  
McCoy stepped back to where Scott was standing. Scotty put a hand on the Doctor's shoulder to let him know that he understood his pain.  
  
Kirk burst into the room, looked around for a second, and then rushed towards the chamber. McCoy and Scotty were on him in a flash. Grimly, McCoy acknowledged the reversal of roles from just a few minutes ago. They held Kirk back, McCoy muttering, "Don't! You'll flood the whole compartment."  
  
Kirk, as concerned as he ever was, replied, "But he'll die."  
  
Scotty, bless him, took on the duty of holding Kirk back and explaining, and simply said, "Sir, he's dead already!"  
  
Kirk ran to the intercom on the chamber wall. Activating it, he called out, "Spock!"  
  
McCoy watched as Spock turned, stood up shakily, and tried to walk towards Kirk. And he nearly cried out in pain when Spock walked into the chamber wall. He wanted to shout, to cry, to do something to aid Spock in some way, but he knew that this was a shared moment between Kirk and Spock, and he let them keep it to themselves.  
  
"Ship, out of danger?" Spock queried, his voice raspy with death and radiation.  
  
Kirk stared in horror at his friend, skin cracked, burnt, and blackened from the radiation. "Yes," he whispered.  
  
Spock sighed with relief for a moment, just trying to breathe. But he took in the anguished look on Kirk's face and tried to reassure him. "Do not grieve, Admiral; it is logical: the needs of the many outweigh-" he fell to the floor, his legs giving way to the weakness.  
  
Kirk, with tears streaking his face, continued for his friend, "The needs of the few."  
  
Spock nodded slowly. "Or the one." He put his hand on the glass to steady himself; so weak was his body now. And Kirk could not help but mirror the gesture with his hand on the other side of the glass, trying to reach his friend unsuccessfully.  
  
McCoy watched, frozen by the scene in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to go over to Spock, to tell him how much he loved him and how happy he had made him. But he could not do that to Kirk. Kirk deserved to say goodbye to Spock just as much as he did, and Spock had already shown his preference. So he stood silently in the background, in the shadows, crying into his hands, not wanting to divert their attention, while fervently hoping that none of this was real, that it was all a nightmare. *This can't be happening,* he thought. *This has to be a dream, or an illusion, like with the Melkotians. This can't be real; Spock can't die. He can't leave me.*  
  
Spock rasped again, "I never took the Kobayashi Maru test, until now. What do you think of my solution?"  
  
"Spock!" Kirk cried out, tears clouding his vision.  
  
Spock noticed the reaction from his friend and tried to reach him one last time. "I have been, and always will be, your friend...Live long and prosper." With a final breath, Spock fell to the floor of the chamber, his tomb.  
  
And in the shadows, McCoy felt his legs go weak, and he collapsed to the floor. The bond in his mind suddenly snapped, and with Spock's mind gone, he could no longer support himself. Dimly he heard Scotty cry out, "Len!" But it was too late; he had given himself up to the darkness.  
  
When he awoke, he did so in a room, one that seemed oddly familiar, and yet, he could not remember where he was. After a minute of looking around in confusion, he realized he was in someone's quarters, Kirk's quarters.  
  
As if on cue, Kirk walked into the room. He gave McCoy a concerned look before sitting down next to him on the bed. "Bones," he whispered, "You gave us a real scare down there. We thought...I thought you may have died too." He paused nervously. "Well, you know what Sarek said at...at your bonding. You know that if one bondmate dies that the other could as well. And when you collapsed in the engineering deck, well, I thought you were going to go with Spock. I'm glad you're still here with me."  
  
McCoy nodded in confusion. He was still trying to sort together what had happened. He did have one question, though. "Why am I here? In your quarters? Why not in mine?"  
  
Kirk would not meet McCoy's eyes. He was genuinely worried that McCoy would not be able to function. "Bones, you shared your quarters with Spock. And I thought that it would...it would be too painful for you if you were there. With all of the personal reminders of him there to torture you, to haunt you. And I knew that you wouldn't do too well if you woke up in sickbay, near the," he gulped, "the autopsy room. So I brought you here." Kirk watched as McCoy's eyes began to tear. He put his arm around McCoy's shoulders. "Please don't cry Bones. I know it hurts, but you survived for a long time before you met him, and you'll be able to survive without him again. You'll be okay; I'll help you with whatever you need." Then Kirk stood, "I'll bet you want to be alone right now. I can't say I blame you. I'll go see what can be done on the ship for now. Oh, and Bones, I grieve with thee." Kirk then walked out the door.  
  
As he heard the door slide shut, McCoy collapsed back onto the bed. His mind was lost in a haze of pain. And then the tears began to fall. He felt so empty, so lost. He did not know what to do. So he sat on Kirk's bed and cried into the pillow. Along with the bitter tears of his soul came whispered cries of his heart. "Spock, oh God Spock. Why did you leave me? I...I can't live without you. Why didn't you say goodbye to me, Spock? Why did you leave? Spock, oh Spock, please come back, Spock. Please..."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The words faded into nothingness, as McCoy awoke in tears, still calling Spock's name. He reached across the bed to cuddle up with his mate, but his arm hit empty air. Shocked, he jolted upright and looked around, his mind still taking in the new reality and rejecting the one of his nightmare. But reality caught up with him. He was on Vulcan, in Sarek's house, in the room he shared with Kirk. Spock had been brought back to life, but still did not remember him.  
  
"Why don't you remember me, Spock? I love you so much; don't you know that?" he whispered to the empty room. He got out of bed and walked to the terrace. *Another nightmare,* he thought. *Why won't they go away?* He walked outside. Experience had taught him that the only cure for his nightmares was cool night air.  
  
He sat down on the terrace, looking up at the night sky. He tried to find Sol, and then Earth. But he could not keep his gaze focused. It kept wandering to the Vulcan monastery, where he knew Spock would be.  
  
And in the walls of Dh'reth, Spock of Vulcan once more made an attempt to meditate. But as he concentrated, the same image appeared to jump out at him from the flames. Himself, in a room he could not recognize, holding a body in his arms. The person in his arms leans over and kisses him gently on the lips; he, in turn, runs his fingers through the man's thick brown hair. The man sighs and he continues by nuzzling the man's ear, so round and delicate, so human. The human leans away from him and meets his eyes. He looks into the clear, blue depths of Leonard McCoy. Then the vision fades into nothingness.  
  
*Why does this image torment me?* he asked himself. *Why does it interfere with my achievement of peace?* He knew these questions were illogical; asking himself would get him nowhere. But he could not help asking; he was still so lost. The problem with the image was not the content so much as how incomplete it seemed, as if there was supposed to be more, but it never happened. That disturbed him more than the constant repetitiveness.  
  
He knew that it would still be a while before he would fully regain his memories, but the thought of the image appearing again, keeping him from peace, nearly sickened him. He decided that he should visit the one man who could give him the meaning of the image, the man who had held his katra: Leonard McCoy.  
  
Dressed in his white robe, he walked outside towards the house of Sarek. The walk, he knew, would take no longer than 15 minutes, if done briskly. As he walked, he tried to make the connection between the image, his katra, and his inability to meditate. He thought of a list of questions to ask the doctor when he saw him.  
  
But when he arrived at the house, and took in the sight of McCoy sitting outside on the terrace, crying to himself, and trying to muffle the sound so as not to disturb anyone, something inside him was affected. He did not understand the reason for his rushing to stand behind McCoy, but he understood the logic in his next actions. He quietly cleared his throat and whispered, "It is too cold for you to be outside."  
  
McCoy thought that he was imagining it, but the voice was so deep, so resonant, so...Spock's that he had to look. He turned around, his eyes still tearing, to meet the face of Spock. And he started to cry once more.  
  
Spock was concerned. He had not considered that his action would cause the doctor more harm. He did not know what to do, but someplace inside of him, something unreachable...in his heart, did. Running on automatic, he sat down beside the human, wrapped his arms around the lean form, and held him close. Softly he whispered, "Do not cry; I do not wish to cause you harm."  
  
McCoy was all too willing to lean into Spock's embrace; his weariness and loneliness had long since taken toll. But something in Spock's mannerisms bothered him. He leaned away from the Vulcan and dried his eyes on his sleeve. Anxiously, he asked, "Spock, is it really you?"  
  
The Vulcan raised an eyebrow. He was having trouble fathoming the drastic mood change that had just occurred. "Yes, Doctor," he replied with a hint of amusement in his voice, "Of course I am. Who else would I be?"  
  
The doctor felt his heart sink inside of him. This was not Spock, at least not his Spock, but then...why had he come to visit him in the middle of the night? He tried once more, "Spock, what are you doing here?"  
  
At the question, the Vulcan hesitated. He was embarrassed to say his true intent, but he could not lie. Quietly, he responded, "Doctor, I have been experiencing images while meditating, which are most disconcerting. Between these images and the fact that I left you my katra, I have been given the impression that you and I shared a deeper relationship than I remember as of late. I was hoping that you could help to...shed some light on the truth."  
  
*Maybe there's some hope after all,* McCoy thought to himself before responding, "Yes Spock, we did have a," he paused. "A deeper relationship. And I for one would like to continue as we had before your death. But the issue is, do you remember...us?"  
  
Very softly, the Vulcan sighed. He did not want to hurt this man, but he knew of no other way to answer the question. "Honestly Doctor, no I do not." "But," he added as he saw a trace of sorrow creep across McCoy's features. "There is a way to help me regain my missing memories."  
  
McCoy looked up. "There is?" he asked. At the Vulcan's nod, he queried, "What is it? Tell me." He was willing to do anything, if it would help Spock be his again.  
  
"A mind meld, Doctor. Not one done in the line of duty, but one that would merge our very souls together, one where your memories would become mine. Since you were the Keeper, if we were to do this, my memories should...emerge after our minds join." Spock looked at McCoy, searching his face for a reaction.  
  
McCoy let out a sigh of relief. He had thought that it would have been something dangerous, or painful, but to have to join Spock's mind? That was what he wanted to do. "Yes," he whispered. "I want to do that; let's get your memories back." He looked at Spock's face for a moment, just staring into his eyes. There was confusion there, a quiet hope, and he looked...lost. McCoy knew he had to help him.  
  
Spock moved closer to McCoy and raised his hand in the familiar configuration of a meld. His hand touched the meld points on McCoy's temple, but the motion was awkward. Very quietly, he whispered, "Our minds are merging, Doctor. Our minds are One. Show me what you see. Show me what you know."  
  
Their minds met, and McCoy's mind, for a brief moment, clung to the other's. He had missed Spock so much, had missed his touch, the feel of his mind. But the Doctor recovered quickly. He heard Spock's voice in his mind, //Lead on. Show me all I have forgotten.// And how could he resist such a command? Their surroundings wavered and changed.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
They were in sickbay on the Enterprise, after its refit. McCoy was inviting Spock into his office; Spock seemed nervous but followed. McCoy offered Spock a chair; Spock took him up the offer and sat down. McCoy followed suit, asking, "What's on your mind, Spock?"  
  
Spock inhaled deeply before answering, "You are," he hesitated, "Leonard."  
  
McCoy made a slight gasp at the realization that Spock had called him by his given name. "What about me, Spock?" he asked, trying to keep the anticipation out of his voice.  
  
"Since returning from Gol, I have been more in tune with my emotions. And I have realized that the feelings I have for you are more than those of friendship." He paused, watching the reaction of the man in front of him. And," he continued, in a whispered tone, "I thought that you may have similar...feelings and would possibly be interested in taking our relationship...to the next level." Spock stopped then, waiting for rejection. But he had not expected McCoy's reaction.  
  
At hearing those words, McCoy's face broke into a huge grin. He stood and quickly closed the distance between them. He threw his arms around the Vulcan, held him close in a tight embrace. Very gently, he kissed Spock's lips, reveling in the softness and his first taste of Spock. He only pulled back for want of air, and he whispered, "Yes, Spock, I want that. I've wanted it for a long time." A tear rolled down his cheek.  
  
The tension left Spock's body, as he assimilated the words. A small smile crept across his face. He lifted a hand to wipe the tear away from McCoy's face and then let it roam over the human's cheek, a caress. The soft skin under his hands was quite pleasant; he wanted to feel more. Quietly, he said, "Leonard, I think it would be best for us to go to my quarters to continue this...discussion."  
  
McCoy chuckled softly, blue eyes bright at the innuendo. "I agree," he whispered. Then he took Spock by the hand, and together, they left sickbay.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The scene whirled around them. They found themselves in quarters on the Enterprise, Spock's quarters. Sitting at the table eating, Spock seemed a little nervous. Or at least, he seemed as nervous as a Vulcan could appear to be. He refused to meet McCoy's eyes.  
  
McCoy was a little concerned. "Spock, what's wrong? You've been jumpy all night. Is there anything I can do to help you out?" His eyes stared into the deep brown ones of the man sitting across from him.  
  
Spock, in response, stood up from the table and went around to kneel before McCoy, an un-Vulcan gesture, if ever there was one. He reached up and gently took McCoy's hand in his. "Leonard," he whispered. "I desire...I wish you to be my bondmate. Will you consent to a bonding?"  
  
McCoy let out a tiny gasp, as he suppressed the urge to giggle. Spock had to be kidding, right? But he looked into the eyes of the man before him, looked into his very soul. He saw only hope, love, and the question in his eyes. Slowly, McCoy covered Spock's hand with his other. "Yes Spock, I would be honored to be your bondmate."  
  
Imperceptibly, Spock sighed with relief. He had gotten through the worst part and had not been rejected. He stood up, and pulled McCoy's hands to his. He kissed each one slowly, letting McCoy feel the heat run up his hands.  
  
McCoy stood up as well. He lightly tugged his hands out of Spock's grasp and wrapped his arms around the Vulcan's broad shoulders. He touched his lips to Spock's, tracing the outline of the firm, full lips with his tongue. He broke the kiss to lick his way up to Spock's ears. He caressed one with his tongue, breathed lightly into it, and whispered, "I love you, Spock."  
  
Spock's fingers traced McCoy's cheek very slowly. He bent down to kiss McCoy's temple and held him a little tighter. "I love thee, my Leonard," he whispered in response. They stood, seemingly frozen in a moment in time, safe in each other's loving embrace.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The image blurred momentarily, and when it cleared, it had changed. They were sitting together in an air car. McCoy was wearing a blindfold. "Are you sure this is necessary?" McCoy asked for the fifth time.  
  
Spock smiled a half-grin and let it travel across the bond. "Leonard, I have already told you that this is a surprise, and if you wish to be surprised, you must keep the blindfold on."  
  
"Fine, whatever you say Spock. But you know that you grow more human every day you spend with me, don't you?" His voice was tinged with gentle teasing.  
  
"Leonard, if that is the price I must pay for spending every day with you, so be it." A few minutes went by before Spock exclaimed, "We have arrived." Spock helped McCoy out of the air car and guided him by the hand to his surprise. He reached up and carefully undid the blindfold.  
  
McCoy looked at his surprise and gasped. It was a house, a nice cozy house, painted as blue as the sky. He did not know what to say. But after a minute of shocked silence, he sputtered, "It's beautiful, Spock. The color..."  
  
Spock looked at his mate's eyes, wide with wonder. "Happy Birthday, my Leonard." He reached out to take McCoy's hand in his and kissed the back in a mimic of the old Southern courtship that McCoy talked about. "I modeled the color after your eyes."  
  
McCoy was still shocked, and it took him a long moment to fully assimilate the information. "Spock, what is this?"  
  
"This, Leonard, is our new house. The Enterprise's mission has come to an end, and I thought that you would enjoy living here, with me. It is our home Leonard; this way, we can still get to work without having to live in the middle of the city. Are you not satisfied with it?"  
  
"No, no!" McCoy said in protest. "It's...it's perfect, Spock." He paused. "You did all of this, for me?"  
  
"I did it for both of us, Leonard." He intertwined his fingers with McCoy's and tugged lightly. "Allow me to show you around, my mate."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Once more, the blurring and the changing took place. They found themselves at a banquet hall, surrounded by familiar faces. Kirk was at the head of the table, them at the side. And around the table sat Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov. Kirk raised his glass in toast, and everybody at the table followed suit.  
  
"To the happy couple!" he exclaimed. "Because 10 years together is more than I can keep track of, certainly more than I've ever had." At that point, he raised the glass to his lips and drank deep. The entire group took a taste of their brandy.  
  
Under the table, Spock's hand held McCoy's in a comforting grip. //Leonard, is all of this really necessary?// The words rang clear across the bond, spoken in confidence, privately.  
  
//Spock, I'm almost ashamed of you. Our friends are trying to show their support of our relationship by throwing us a party to celebrate the ten years we've shared, and you're complaining?//  
  
//I am hardly complaining, Leonard. I am just curious as to the extent of the necessity of such a celebration. I had thought that you would prefer to spend the evening together, just the two of us.// Spock was well aware that that was the one way to get McCoy on his side on the issue. He watched as the grin broke out on McCoy's face at the suggestion.  
  
//I'll definitely take you up on that offer later, Spock. But right now, just try to enjoy yourself. I guarantee that I'll make it worth your while.//  
  
McCoy's last statement was both puzzling and pleasing to Spock. He decided to just take everything at face value for the evening, for he knew that at night, McCoy would be all his. He tuned back into Kirk, and his eyebrow raised a mile at Kirk's next statement.  
  
"So, even though he may have thought he was doing a credible job concealing his true feelings for Bones, he wasn't. He always let Bones get away with things that the rest of us would never gotten anywhere close to doing."  
  
"Really, Jim?" Spock questioned, his dignity being insulted. "What would you qualify as an example of this?"  
  
Kirk shared a glance with McCoy, before McCoy stood up from his seat, wrapped his arms around Spock, and muttered, "This," before sealing the Vulcan's mouth with his own.  
  
Spock pressed closer to McCoy, until he heard the click of a holocamera and saw the flash. He pulled away from McCoy to glare at Kirk, a rueful grin on his face, and a holocamera in his hands. He turned to look at McCoy.  
  
"Happy Anniversary, sweetie," McCoy took a hold of Spock's hand. "And many more."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Finally, the scene changed for the last time. They found themselves in darkened room, lit only by candles. Spock was leading McCoy by the hand toward the bed. Spock was dressed in a black Vulcan ceremonial robe, McCoy in a dark suit. McCoy pulled back slightly as they reached the bed, and Spock turned to glance at him. "What is wrong, Leonard?"  
  
McCoy started to blush. "It's really nothing, Spock. I'm just nervous, because everything will be...different." He turned away, the embarrassment echoing clear throughout the room.  
  
Spock turned so he was standing directly in front of McCoy. "Leonard, why would you say that? Nothing has changed between us." Spock was genuinely curious about his lover's train of thought.  
  
McCoy gulped and tried once more to explain. "Well, we've never melded, when we made love before, and the link..." His voice trailed off.  
  
Spock suddenly understood what was causing McCoy anxiety. "Leonard, the bond that was instigated today will only serve to bring us closer, not divide us. Please, trust me on that, Leonard."  
  
  
  
McCoy looked into Spock's dark eyes and saw reassurance and love shining there, and desire as well. "Okay, Spock." He grinned. "So, how does this work, anyway?"  
  
Spock was pleased to see that McCoy had released his fears. He cupped McCoy's chin with one hand, before leaning down to kiss his temple. "It works like this, my Leonard." He raised his other hand to McCoy's temple and caressed gently before whispering, "Your mind to my mind, your thoughts to my thoughts, your soul to my soul. Let us become One, my mate. We are One."  
  
Their minds met in a unity that had not been experienced by either before. Slowly, McCoy could feel all that Spock was feeling, on top of his own increasing pleasure. And best of all, he could feel Spock's love.  
  
They moved closer to each other, wrapping their arms around each other, trying to pull the other into their bodies, as their minds had already done. McCoy moved his lips to capture Spock's, sucking gently at the lower one and tracing both with his tongue.  
  
As McCoy was giving pleasure with his lips, Spock ran his fingers through the thick, brown hair, letting it curl through his fingers and brush to the side. He smiled softly, when he heard McCoy sigh in response to his actions. He pulled McCoy down with him onto the bed and started to kiss up his neck. Upon reaching his ears, he licked and nibbled gently, memorizing the shape and texture.  
  
McCoy pulled away from him and stared into his eyes. Those blue depths were filled with love and passion. But he felt something else; the sensations were becoming too intense for his human mate. With great difficulty, he remembered that this was the first time that McCoy had experienced intercourse and a bond simultaneously.  
  
McCoy grinned. //This is perfect, Spock. I love being able to feel you inside me.//  
  
Spock reached for McCoy's jacket and pulled it off before replying, //What a wonderful suggestion, Leonard. I, too, wish to be inside of you. And I am quite pleased to feel your mind in mine.// Spock smiled the Vulcan grin that always made McCoy melt. With that, Spock removed his robe and reached to undo McCoy's shirt and trousers. Lying on top of his human, he kissed down his chest until he reached the rib cage. He used his tongue to tickle up and down, attempting to incite a response from his mate.  
  
McCoy moaned out loud and wrapped his legs around the Vulcan. Through the bond came a plea, //Please Spock, make love to me right now. I need you.//  
  
//And I you, my Leonard.//  
  
They began to move together, as one soul with two bodies. The sensations intensified, as everything experienced by Spock was sent to McCoy, and all McCoy felt, Spock did as well. The wave of ecstasy hit them so ferociously that neither had expected it. It washed over them as they lay in each other's arms, the trembles passing through them. This was how it should be.  
  
//Oh, Spock,// McCoy sent as he felt the wave of love pass through him, //stay with me forever.//  
  
//Forever and after, my Leonard, with all that I can give thee.//  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Spock pulled away from McCoy, as the meld faded into completion. His brain was having trouble assimilating the new information, the memories. Things were starting to seep through. The holo, he knew, was kept on the end table on McCoy's side of the bed at their house.  
  
And the last memory, it was the image that had haunted him so. But, as he had viewed it with McCoy, it had not disturbed him. It had completed itself, and he now felt a sense of peace knowing how it truly went. He had even found the memory erotic.  
  
He also was remembering things that were not so pleasant, such as his death. He knew that he had been blocking McCoy during the mission, even before he sacrificed himself. He remembered his motives. He had at first thought that blocking the bond would help him think in terms of logic instead of emotion. And then he had started to realize that his death might be the only way to save the ship. He could not allow McCoy to feel that through the bond. It would have hurt him too much, and McCoy would have stopped him. If he had allowed himself to tell his bondmate, he would never have found the strength to go. He needed his Vulcan shields up in order to do what needed to be done. He remembered the pang of pain he had felt when he had given his mate the nerve pinch but knew it to be necessary.  
  
He truly had not planned on surviving longer than the bare amount of time it took to fix the reactor. And that was why he left his katra, his soul, all that he was, to his mate. He could think of nobody else to leave it with. And as soon as the transfer was complete, their bond had dissolved. But since McCoy held his katra, the reaction, in his own mind, was delayed.  
  
Spock knew he had not said goodbye, because he had not been able to speak through the bond. And he had thought that leaving McCoy his katra had been enough to calm his human. But he had obviously guessed wrong. He began to recall McCoy's anguished cries and shook his head to clear away the sound.  
  
His mind was working at Vulcan speed to incorporate the new memories into his brain. After what seemed like an eternity to the Vulcan, but in reality had been only a few seconds, he looked up to meet the eyes of Leonard McCoy.  
  
McCoy was worried that the memories had been too intense for Spock. He had tried to control what he had shown to Spock, but he had not been able to. The last memory had been unintentional, and he feared that Spock would be disgusted. He lifted his head to watch Spock doing whatever the Vulcan's brain did after melds.  
  
When Spock raised his eyes to his own, McCoy immediately saw the difference. The eyes that regarded him now were clear; they had a knowledge and recognition to them that they had been lacking before, and the confusion was gone. He watched in wonder, as Spock lifted his hand to his face and touched his cheek with a long, slender finger. This was not an awkward action but one that suggested he knew every part of McCoy, inside and out.  
  
"My qomi," he whispered.  
  
McCoy felt himself go limp. Spock finally remembered. How long had it been since Spock had called him that? McCoy had not heard it since even before Spock's death.  
  
McCoy could not help himself; he threw his arms around the Vulcan and held him close in a tight embrace. He buried his face in Spock's neck and started to cry. The tears were not those of sorrow but those of weariness and joy. He felt Spock's arms close around his back and felt Spock's hands stroke up and down in soothing strokes.  
  
They stayed pressed together for a long while. Finally, Spock gathered McCoy in his arms and stood. He lifted McCoy and carried him back into his room. Very gently, Spock placed him on the bed.  
  
McCoy looked up, worried that Spock would leave him again. He reached out for the Vulcan. "Don't leave, Spock."  
  
Spock lay down on the bed next to McCoy and lifted the covers to envelope both of them. He pulled McCoy into his arms and whispered, "Never." He tenderly kissed McCoy on the forehead, before settling them both on the pillow.  
  
McCoy cuddled up with the warm body next to him. Resting his head on Spock's shoulder, he allowed a feeling of peace to flow through him. Everything would be okay, now that Spock remembered. He felt lethargy begin to overtake his body; he was so tired. But before drifting off, he said, "I missed you so."  
  
Spock reached down to stroke his hair. "Shh," he whispered to the man in his arms, "I am here with you now. Just rest, my qomi. I will watch over you."  
  
McCoy drifted off into the place where dreams become reality. For once, not fearful of what such dreams may bring. Because, in reality, his mate was back with him. And nothing would be able to change that again.  
  
Finit 


End file.
